Mother dearest.

I don't think you all realize how lucky you are to have a mom. I have a mom, obviously. But as far as I'm concerned she is completely lifeless. It's a serious problem. And the affect it's having on our family isn't nearly as much as the affect it's having on me.
A child growing up needs tender, love, and care from a mother and a father. Well now, I don't have a father. I do, but we just happen to be 831.95 miles apart, 14 hours to be exact. I have a step-dad but to me I've never thought of him to take place as that 'father role'. To me, the words dad, father, or daddy does not exist. It is nowhere to be found in my vocabulary. Nor is that little slot for a dad to be, in my life. It just does not exist for me. Me speaking about how I don't have my father, is not the point of this. It's just, that is what a regular child should have, a father and a mother, to take care of them from day one.
Now, I don't have a father. I have a mother. I can't relate nor will I ever know, but I can see how hard it is to be a single mother taking care of their child. I do. She was the best mom she could be, she has had a lot of issues. So for her, she was a great mom. And always tried her best.
A year ago a lot of chaotic drama went on. She has always taken a massive amount of pills for all her problems. Well, evidently something was wrong with certain ones and with certain problems of hers. She checked herself into the hospital last Halloween. For about a week none of us knew where she went, we just knew she drove off in an angry temper tantrum. We thought the worst. I was praying constantly asking "God" to look out for my mom. I was crying every night wondering what our future was holding. I had found out from my step-dad she was in the hospital. I still was crying. I was upset, I always felt whenever she was in the hospital it was because of me. I was crying also because I was relieved to know she was alive. Anyways, this whole story also really has nothing to do with where I am going with this, only partially it does.
So, while she was in the hospital that instant I saw her for the first time in a week there was a drastic difference in her appearance, in her personality. Everything. They had changed her medication and the doses. She became very, very, very slow. Last summer she was fast, because of her medicine. And I honestly don't think we was able to keep up with it all. And that was one of the main reasons she checked herself into the hospital. But to me it seems all the doctors really did, was slow her down. Instead of carefully doing tests, or whatever the fuck they do, to figure out what exactly was right for her. I despise who ever gave her this medication. I despise the doctor for increasing her doses, when as it is she was already really slow. My mom had a checkup, she apparently told the doctor things, and the doctor felt it was necessary to increase it. Well, what mom didn't mention was how she drastically changed. Every single person who was once involved or who is still involved in her life, has noticed this difference. Except, me, my grandma, and sister are the only ones who have actually talked about it to her. She doesn't notice any difference.

Now what is included in my vocabulary is the habit of constantly repeating myself, repeating her name, over and over and over and over again. For instance..
"Mom...mom?..*Really interesting story* mom. Did you here me? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
No, no, no. I don't even think that's anywhere close to clearing anything up. She takes a half an hour to respond. And when she does make a statement or talk for a second, it's the biggest shock in the world. She doesn't talk. She's like a wall, having a conversation with her is like talking to a wall. As it is I have no one to talk to. Being home schooled, having zero friends, I have no one. I don't have my sister any more, she's gone up some guys ass. So, I have my mom. Which to begin with, all children, all teenagers, all daughters always go to their mom for advice, for a rational conversation, for love, for support. But it is not like that at all.
I can't even count how many times I've fought with her, over her not being sensitive, or being supportive. She's the complete opposite. When you're already down, she's the kind of person who will kick you down even lower. She stomps all over you. I can honestly say, it is the most stressful thing I have ever dealt with. I'm losing hair over it. My hair is drastically thinning. And do you know how horrible that is for a sixteen year old girl to deal with? Hair is, everything to me. I cry at the thought of me going bald. I know I'm very sensitive. But a girls hair is very important to her. I'm already hideous. Why not? Why not make me go bald as well?
I often find myself wishing my grandma was my mom. She's rational, she's sensitive, she's RATIONAL, she's RATIONAL, she's RATIONAL, she's RATIONAL, she gives good advice, and she gives amazing support. I'm glad I have at least one person like that in my life. So fortunate to have my grandma. But it's very unfortunate that my grandma is only here to visit for 4 - 5 months a year. Every winter she leaves to go to Florida with her husband, to be with his family. I still don't understand it. I absolutely hate it when she leaves us.

I feel like I am the mom in our relationship. I'm always the one conversing with her. Well, you know what? It's not even conversing, because it takes one and one to have a conversation. So, basically I'm just speaking to her, constantly saying, mom?

This blog is very scattered about. I can't make the right sentences match with the right category. It's very scrambled. And putting this tragedy into words is very hard to do. Because it's hard to explain. I'd rather you witness it in person than me try to explain. You'd see how very difficult it is.

I am always crying all the time because of this. It's so upsetting. I need a mom. I don't have a father. I have a mom. I need her. She's not here. She's lifeless. And when I say it's like speaking to a wall, I. am. not. lying.

I'm always trying to explain to her, all of this. Every word, sentence I've entered here. I am always trying to explain. She is completely irrational, she'll either start a fight over it or she'll zone out. I just don't see how this is fair. I really don't. It's like Satan created the perfect situation for himself to be amused by. That's what I feel my life is all about..

I really think I should get a therapist rather than opening up about how depressing my life is on here. Because most likely this will be another blog that no one reads, and if for some reason anyone does they'll be hysterically laughing at my unfortunate situation.

I have had several opportunities to talk with a therapist. But my mind is always scattered, and no matter how hard I try it's hard to put thoughts into words that come out of your mouth. It's hard to do on here, it's impossible to do in person. My mind is just all over the place with all my issues. It's hard to collect them all and speak these words..

Stray cat.

Okay, so if you follow me on twitter or view my Flickr frequently you'll know what I'm talking about.

So there's been this very precious, sweet, innocent cat roaming around our neighborhood.



We know whose cat she is but what we didn't understand was WHY they started slowly, and slowly neglecting her. Ever since spring '09 it's became only worse. I started seeing her outside a lot more, I saw her loosing all this weight.. she used to be a really fat, chubby kitty. Even bigger than my Mr.Jingles. And she lost a lot of weight. No exaggeration.
Over the summer I wasn't as mad about this whole situation, because, you know. It's summer, the weather is nice and enjoyable. And basically anyone is able to sleep outside (humans, cats..etc). So I was okay with that. But then September came and the weather started getting unbearably cold outside. This is when I started to worry the most. I've fed her just about every day since summer time. (In spring I didn't know it was this bad.)
Now, my mom and I are the kind of people who don't ignore animals, like every single one of our neighbors (and my step dad). We're not cruel like most people. Animals can't speak, they at least need someone to speak for them. And that's why I'm so dedicated to helping animals as much as I can!! So I can't just ignore this whole situation.

Over spring or summertime (I'm not sure exactly) the same owners of this cat, had a different cat. Their other cat ended up being hit on the main road. Which is right behind our houses, it's a very busy main road. Not like a high way. But pretty busy for being in the middle of east bum fuck. They claimed they didn't even know their cat got hit, or was dead. I don't understand how they can go on without wondering what happened to it. But they evidently did.. These people are COMPLETE trash. I'm not lying at all. They're the exact definition of 'TRAILER TRASH'. Usually I don't judge others like this, but I use to know them, I still do. Everyone does. They've got names around this neighborhood, and no one likes them. Except for the little boys who sex the daughter up, and the irresponsible adults who smoke pot with the mom. Oooooops, did I say too much? My bad.

ANY WHO, my mom just went over to their house about a half an hour ago. And quite frankly I'm pretty furious now. My mom waited all spring, all summer, all autumn.. and finally she made the initiative to go talk to these people. She told me she was yelling at them at first, because just like me, she was just as angry. She carried the cat in her arms over there. (In the freezing, pouring rain. It's been raining for two days straight now.) Long story short, they said they didn't want her. That the cat was her ex - boyfriends and she was gonna give him a call. (Even though she's had this cat for 5+ years now). She said she keeps them in their indoor porch type thing. It has no heat, it just has walls and a ceiling. My mom pointed out how she had no food available for the cat.. well they said they leave some tuna out for it....... BULLLLLLSHIT! Fucking pathological liars. My mom also asked why they don't just bring it to the animal shelter... well they said it costs $100 just to bring it in.. my mom use to volunteer there. She told them how it is completely free.

As a matter of fact, just two weeks ago we brought in a stray, black, older kitten to the shelter. They of course are not adopting that cat out yet until after Halloween, because the weird sacrificial things people do Halloween night, to cats, dogs. You name it. It's horribly disgusting and I am terrified. I just want to smash in all the peoples faces, who have ever done wrong or caused harm towards an animal (or child). I can't believe people.

So anyways, yeah. My mom had calmed down from shouting after awhile.. she told me. I wasn't there. I was waiting for her to come home to see what had happened, 'cause she went without me even knowing beforehand. My sister was going to have a talk with these people too, but my mom beat her to it evidently. My sister also said she was going to adopt this cat when she was moving, but she's not planning on moving to Philly until like a year from now? So who knows. I really wish my sister would adopt this cat but she's honestly not able to.

So, well, I guess we're just gonna wait and see how everything turns out. I'm praying that they take the cat to the shelter and that the cat gets adopted by a loving family who will take great care of the kitty. I really hope so. If we didn't have a house full of 7 animals then I would immediately take this cat in, and have her as my own pet. But we honestly can't. See, if it was just my mom and I living her. I could convince her, no doubt about that. But my step dad, as it is, still feels uncomfortable about certain animals. He's a big baby and an asshole about animals most of the time. Even though he babies Rosco & Mr.J like you wouldn't believe it. So yeah. I'm just kind of venting. I know if anyone even reads this, they most likely live no where close to me.

But if you for some miraculous reason do, please adopt this cat. Look for it around the neighborhood. Do whatever you can. I hope this cat gets the most loving family ever. She really does deserve all the love. She's such a sweetheart. She's a very good girl. And I absolutely love her personality. I really wish I could adopt her. I swear, once I get my own place with Belle, I'm gonna rescue stray cats maybe adopt them out to close friends and people that I trust. Of course Belle will still be my main priority and little girl. I love her far too much to ever forget about her for another animal. ahha, you all know that.

I'm done now, I hope you took the time to read this and appreciate animals even more like I do. (: Haaave a nice day.

Our bathroom.

Well, don't get me started on how much I basically despise my house. But anyways, we have two bathrooms. One in the master bedroom and one out in the open for everyone.
It's like seriously the most disgusting bathroom in the world. There's a lot of stuff wrong with it and it needs a lot of work done.
But I had the sudden urge to make a drastic change and made it girly and cute.

So, I guess here's a tour of 'my/public' bathroom. (I seriously wish I had my own bathroom. So much!)


(My grandma just bought a new house, this was the bathroom set in the house when she bought it. She obviously didn't want it. So she gave it to me :)


I think the curtains look so trippy sometimes. aha


Amazing hat, that I love so much!


Full of candles, soap, and lots of scented cute little things.


I went through this phase where I made tons of scented wax hearts and stars. With cookie cutters. They make the bathroom smell soo good :)


They're so cute!


A painting by my sister, she did this for me a really long time ago. I've always loved it.


Lots of random junk. Fake grapes?? haha idk..

I have not made a post in a longgg while. But uh, yeah my sweet sixteen was August 16th. I didn't get shit. I've been saving and have $800. I wont be getting a car for awhile.
My premonition didn't come true, as you can see, well, I'm apparently still here. Still alive.

Anyways, you know how I love interior designing, right? No? Well, now you do :)
I officially love my bedroom. It's perfect. It's completely packed full of my personality! Every little detail I've tried to fiddle with and make perfect. There is no perfect. So my room is just, completely me. Some see it as overwhelming, some see it as imaginative and creative. Whatever.
I loveoveoove it. But I'm never done changing it around, by tomorrow I'm sure something will be drastically different.
Here's some pictures of it :) Hopefully I can give you some ideas or inspire you to do something similar to things in my room (if you like it) haha. 'Cause I'm always looking for ideas and inspiration. That's why I'm sharing this with you :)

P.S. My bedroom is the complete definition of 'Do It Yourself', I've made so many craftycraftzzz. ahaha.





































































So, there it is. A tour of my bedroom. I've been meaning to do this for such a long time. But now it's finally clean and organized. It's the way I love it. It's my happy space.
If you like it, let me know. Also if you have any questions or get confused about something, just ask :)